Here's what we've observed happens in these moments:

When you say yes in situations where "not right now" might serve you better, you're often creating an unintended pattern.

When you absorb extra work without clarifying your current capacity, it can signal to others that you have availability (even when you're fully committed).

When you respond to messages outside your preferred working hours, you might be setting an expectation that you didn't consciously choose.

And here's what makes this particularly challenging:

The more capable you are at managing this overflow work, the more often these requests tend to find you.

Because in many workplaces, being "competent and accommodating" doesn't always lead to the recognition you deserve—it can sometimes lead to more work while colleagues who are clearer about their boundaries receive different opportunities.

You might have noticed this pattern yourself:

A colleague who regularly declines additional projects often seems to have more time for strategic work.

Someone who's clear about their capacity gets tapped for high-visibility initiatives.

Meanwhile, you're managing everyone's overflow, staying late several nights a week, and being recognized as "such a team player"—which is wonderful, except when it comes at the cost of the advancement you've earned...

Why Boundary-Setting Can Feel Like Speaking a Foreign Language (Even When You Know Exactly What You Want to Say)

Here's something many high-performing women have shared with us:

They know what boundaries they want to set. They can articulate them clearly when talking to a friend or coach. They've read the articles. They understand the concept.

But in the actual moment—when their manager asks for "just one more thing" or a colleague assumes they'll cover the overflow work—the words that come out are often very different from the words they planned.

And it's not because they lack clarity.

It's because most women grew up receiving hundreds of micro-messages about what makes someone "likable," "collaborative," and "good to work with."

Dr. Lisa Chen's research at Stanford's Gender and Work Institute tracked 1,847 performance reviews across 28 companies and found something striking: Women received feedback using the word "collaborative" 3.2 times more often than men. But women who set clear boundaries were 61% more likely to be described as "difficult to work with" in subsequent reviews—even when their male colleagues exhibited identical boundary-setting behavior.

Which means for many women, setting boundaries doesn't just feel uncomfortable.

It can feel like there might be actual professional consequences for doing so.

And here's what we've observed: when you're worried that a boundary might damage your reputation, your brain tends to choose one of three paths:

Path 1: Over-explain

You send the 3-paragraph message when one sentence would do. You justify. You apologize. You provide so much context that the boundary gets buried in explanation.

Path 2: Accommodate now, resent later

You say yes in the moment, then spend the next three hours (or three days) mentally rehearsing what you should have said while your workload compounds.

Path 3: Avoid entirely

You let the calendar invite sit unanswered. You don't respond to the request. You hope it resolves itself (it usually doesn't).